Anger is temporary insanity. It is different from simple annoyance or irritation. It is volcanic and can erupt in rage, belligerence, physical violence, enmity, ridicule, sarcasm, temper tantrums or glaring silence. It debilitates all reason, immobilizes clear thinking, incapacitates the brain. “ A man in a passion rides a mad horse”, says Benjamin Franklin. That’s our angry person - riding a mad horse, totally at its mercy! The tongue shoots off faster than the brain works and then the person spends time repenting speech that cannot be retracted. Someone very wisely said:
Words and eggs should be handled with care,
For words once spoken, and eggs once broken,
Are not the easiest things to repair.
Anger is an emotion we have all experienced to a greater or lesser degree, always followed by a feeling of distaste. Eventually we discover that it has no truly beneficial purpose and yet it takes little to spark off the fuse some of us are so short on. Volatile, explosive people justify it as being ‘only human’. They tender the lame apology that suppressing anger rather than expressing it would make them susceptible to ulcers and/or other psychological disorders. They will be surprised to learn what modern research is beginning to prove: ‘letting off steam’ is almost as dangerous as ‘bottling up’! It destroys our health, our relationships, peace of mind and our ability to function normally.
Anger is generated by a self-righteous attitude and can often be a cover-up for deeper emotions like hurt, guilt or fear. It has many different faces and endless pegs on which it hangs the blame. The traffic, discussions that do not go their way, world events, inflation, taxes, other people’s values and behaviour, injustice, rudeness intolerance…the causes that fuel anger can be endless. The short fused person chooses to be controlled by events and people beyond his sway. Others must conform to his way of thinking, do things as he wants them and keep him/her generally satisfied!
Anger is a response according to our conditioning. It is violence in us, violence in our minds. It is a stress enhancer. It is a self-destructive learned choice we make. Why would anyone choose something so corrosive? There are psychological motives according to Dr. Wayne Dyer as enumerated in his book ‘Our Erroneous Zones’.
Ø Anger can be used to direct the responsibility of how you feel to another person or an event, rather than taking charge of one’s feelings.
Ø It can be employed to manipulate the fear of those physically or psychologically smaller or weaker than you.
Ø It draws attention and gives the person a sense of power and importance.
Ø It is a handy excuse – “ I couldn’t help myself” – to acquit oneself of his insane behaviour.
Ø It helps you get your way.
Ø Anger can aid in avoiding the risk of sharing yourself affectionately, thereby reducing the peril of being hurt.
Ø Anger can be utilized to make another person feel guilty; to break down communication; to take the heat off oneself; to indulge in self-pity, saying no one understands you; to avoid thinking clearly and thereby absolving oneself of the responsibility of making any decision.
Anger is just anger. It harms and hurts you just as much as it does the person who angers you. Venting it out may have a slight edge over suppressing it, but there is a third more rewarding choice. It is to select not to have anger overpower you. There is no miracle pill one can pop to get rid of this malaise. The cure is a slow process. It is one of self-healing from within and requires an overhauling of our conditioning and set behaviour patterns.
ü First one must learn to be aware of one’s anger in the moment of anger. Not later. This is of paramount importance.
ü That should be followed by a conscious choice every time, to act differently and to replace the anger by a constructive emotion or behaviour pattern. New habits are not created in a day. They have to be fixed by repetitive action. Do away with the obsession that anger must be expressed in fierce outbursts.
ü Try and defuse your anger in those first crucial moments by telling yourself that you have no right to expect others to always agree with you, to toe your line. They have a right to be different and you have an obligation to respect that difference with patience and understanding. Teach yourself to agree to disagree.
ü Remember - if you are in the wrong you cannot afford to lose your temper and if you are in the right, you do not need to.
ü Constantly remind yourself that anger spells ‘danger’. It will not bring about change in your or the other person’s behaviour. Change can come only from within.
ü Ask yourself what personal psychological benefits you derive from choosing anger and go to work on those areas.
ü Love your self and stop selecting this conduct which invariably recoils on itself.
Life is too precious, too short to be wasted in this counter-productive manner. We must learn to live it fully and well. We owe it to ourselves and to others.
