3. Confusion

T.A. Ramesh (India, 20/06/07)

It was a Saturday morning. The day was hot. There was not much traffic in the beach road. Except for the tourists the town’s men were moving there in a meagre number. At the back of the gigantic statue of Mahatma Gandhi two highly thinking youths were reclining over the cement rail. They looked to be becoming calm while they were observing the motion of the sea waves. The waves were harping on the same note. The things of Nature were performing the same sort of function just to facilitate all beings to maintain their balance in the biggest organisation of God called the Universe. There the highly thinking youths tried to find a solution for their problems by pondering over the logic behind the activities of Nature.

Nature performs the same sort of duty. It is constant forever. Man cannot be so. He is a very complex being. He has to probe everything using his mind. He has to discipline the thought process of his mind. Otherwise, there is no difference between the continuous motion of the waves and the working of his brain. This happens so during the period of crisis. He has to solve the crisis. Otherwise, the crisis will put him always under confusion.

The close-set eyes of Balu turned from the great sea and looked for a while at Kannan who was deeply brooding, melancholically silent, coldly calculating over something. Breathing a sigh of relief he kept his body erect and touched the shoulder of the melancholic man. There was no response. So, it seemed for him that he had to break the ice first.

He said, “Well Kannan, what had happened in Madurai? After two months we are meeting together here. Why are you so melancholic? Where there is a will, there is a way. If you express your thoughts, I can understand you and try to help you solve your problem.”

“Yes Balu,” said the grave voice of Kannan, “I am searching… for the words to express my thoughts, feelings and hopes to you. If not you, who else can listen to my heart…?”

Kannan looked at the distant lull of the sea, the ebb and flow of the tide, the bright blue sky, the distant green trees near the shore in the North, the new pier and the fishing boats in the South and the hot sand below his feet. They were all crystal clear under the bright Sun and could be easily possible to photograph them even by a novice photographer. With a new spark of idea, Kannan started to talk on the matters that were coming to his mind.

“The cadavers of my wife and my parents came by plane to Madurai. Except for the faces, all the portions of the carcasses were fully fastened by white bandage cloth. The bodies were fully stuffed and covered after autopsy. Because the faces were kept open, I was able to recognize them. Now they are no more remaining on this Earth. I cremated them in the grave yard of Madurai.

All of my relatives who were of no use and assistance to our family in critical moments in the past started putting the words about my second marriage to the ears of my father-in-law and mother-in-law. My father-in-law also pestered me that only if I got married they would get respite in life. I told them that I was in need of time to think about that and that I would tell them my word in that matter. After finishing all the rituals and religious formalities I have at last come back here.

Though only two months have gone by, I feel I have spent many years with those irrelevant relatives. That is the matter which is standing as a lump choking my throat and making me unable to breathe a free air. Now I can breathe as easily as I can. But I have to prepare my answer for their question too.”

He stopped his words, became silent and kept on gazing on the waves dashing against the rock stones of the beach. He was keenly observing the rhythmic flow of the sea water to the shore and the receding of it again to the sea. It seemed that the raging waves of the sea water were continuously struggling to achieve something specific. How long had it been trying to do so and how long would it try to do so? It looked it had been destined to struggle so. In one way it might be warning the observers that they were also destined to struggle so if they also did not have any other alternative in life. Kannan felt his position was not so serious then and probed for the way out of the mess he had fallen in. He came to his senses again and was listening to what Balu was saying to what he had then said.

“I am also having problems like you. Don’t think that you are the only person in the world who is undergoing this sort of a pain in the heart. After I was born my mother died. I have not seen my mother. I know my father, brother and sister. They are all my elders. They follow a route quite conventional and contrary to my ideologies. I like simple life and high thoughts. They judge things by the material wealth of persons.

I go by the thoughts, ideas and knowledge. In this respect, myself and my father are two poles apart. I have got quite a lot to develop myself in life. I wish to come up to the top of the ladder in any field I venture upon. Before my college degree education itself my father wanted me to enter into some govt. job and earn for the family. I wanted education, because it is the base for all sorts of developments in life. In this connection your ideas, cooperation, encouragement and advices helped me much to get hold of a degree.

Otherwise, I would have lost my hope and would be working without acquiring a degree due to my hatred for the present day educational system and carelessness as a slave or an animal without bothering about anyone and anything in life. It is because of your kind words, gentleness, good manners and encouraging words that I got inspiration to prepare well for the degree examination and passed in the degree course and the knowledge of which I don’t know anything now. This is mainly due to the obsolete syllabus in the degree course, good for nothing teaching capacities of our lecturers and the valueless nature of our educational qualification in the present developed world. Against the words of my useless relatives and my father I like to go on my own path with the useful ideas of you and the encouragement of my friends. This is how I am going ahead. You know?”

Balu also became silent after he finished saying to him what he could.

The smooth sailing yacht caught the sight of Kannan. It was beautiful to look at. It sailed smoothly by the force of the wind.

Kannan said, “Man is an accident of Nature. He is happy due to his inventions and creations in the world. That is why he is unique and superior to all the things in Nature. In a frolicsome mood we have started The Halo friendship just like a social organisation. We have called ourselves the Haloens and have given the title, THE HALO to our circle of friends for our personal development in life. The Halo is the great hope for our life. Now it has really become so.”

For that view Balu said, “It is true for us. If not to others, at least, to me it is so. I hope it will be of much help and use to me.”

A tourist bus came to the Gandhi ground and made a halt just before the beach road. Youngsters, children, beautiful dames, affectionate mothers and elders got down from the bus and made their way in a beautiful order to the Gandhi statue, where Kannan and Balu were standing. They started crowding near them to see the beauty of the sea. Hence Kannan and Balu moved away from there and walked towards a snack bar near the Town Hall building.

They entered the Bar and occupied a table facing the sea. It was cool, shady and beautiful to sit and observe the boats engaged with the fishing activities. They ordered for two plates of cashew nuts and two bottles of Campa Cola. A water mug was placed on the table before them with a few glasses around it. Balu filled two of the glasses with water from the mug. Kannan took a glass of water and looked at the peoples inside the Bar.

The Bar was filled with foreign hippies who were smoking locally made Indian cigars and beedies. The atmosphere was almost fully covered with cigarette smoke. As Kannan and Balu were sitting at the far end of those madding crowd, they had escaped from the danger of suffocation. It was yet another experience which they could not forget in their life.

“Well, what aim do you have and what are you going to do next?” asked Kannan.

“I don’t have any idea now. But certainly I want to do something and wish to stand on my own legs so that I need not bother about my relatives. I can even go and settle in a place I like most in India. For that I have to decide what I have to study and find out what competitive exams I may have to write. That I will finalise as the time passes on. Now I am studying Hindi, because it will be useful to me later on in my life. That is all I can say now. Then… what is your plan?”

“I don’t have any plan about my future course of action. I have to think quite a lot. I need time; I want to do something light and something interesting to me. I want to live a new life forgetting my past. I was not to do something new so that I can forget my past life. I want to go on a new line which I know but I have not done in a full time basis. I think I can bring about a change in my life.

Now I have found out why my life and work were monotonous in the past. Only after that tragic car accident of my family I have got a slight enlightenment. The uncongenial domestic atmosphere, the irrelevant relatives and the unhappy wedded life have made me to think in this fashion so to say. I have come to understand that material wealth, money and power never go hand in hand with human nature, talent and knowledge. I have found out all these things from the activities of my own relatives.

I want to go away from these entire madding crowds and go on my own path in life. I want to cut all my connections with them first so that their doings never affect my name or position. Three weeks back by chance I met the proprietor cum editor of THE TREASURE magazine and he came to know about my recent tragedy. I have told you about this gentleman sometime back. He advised me that this profession would help me much to get satisfaction of heart. I have a lot of things to say. So, why can’t I write? What do you say?’

The well prepared cashew nuts were still remaining untouched by either of them on the plates. The waiter also glanced at them to know whether they would require any other items or not and turned to attend other customers without disturbing them. They realised what they were doing. So, they started eating cashew nuts.

“Kannan, as you said now it is a matter to think well before taking a firm decision. You are a business man by birth. You are well versed in your business activities. If you don’t like your relatives, you can start a business of your own. As you say you want to have a change and want to be away from your realties, you can do business in some other place and mind about writing what you can in the leisure time, because through writing you cannot earn enough and stand on your own legs afterwards.”

“Yes, I know that thing very well, Balu. But, what you are suggesting to me to do is also not an immediate possibility. Business is not a simple matter as you may have conceived yourself. To run a business concern of my own first of all an organisation has to be set up. Market research has to be done before investing money on the products that have to be pushed out. Immediately getting funds for starting anything is not possible now. There are so many complex matters which have to be dealt with and after clearing all these hurdles, I can have the access to demand my share of money from my parent business concern. That will take hell of time, you see. There is no possibility for you to be aware of this thing.”

A deep silence prevailed there. They kept on clearing cashew nuts on the plates and drank water. The waiter then brought two bottles of Campa cola and a bill receipt on the table and left them in no minute. They also did not order for anything further. They drank the cold drink, paid for the bill in the counter and left the Bar without a pause.

They crossed the beach road and walked towards the park. The barren play ground of the Gandhi ground remained empty. Then the children’s play ground in the park looked to be busy with healthy children engaged with their favourite games like the see-saw, the hide and seek and the climb and slide-down. The children’s park was well shaped with many exotic trees, which wore a beautiful look with the rich growth of dark green leaves and the red and yellow tulip like flowers suitable for the scientific dissections in the laboratories. Kannan and his friend also did not fail to admire at these exotic flowers. They entered the play ground and sat at the foot of a well grown tree. They saw a few kids playing the cock fight game with the seeds of those peculiar flowers. It was a game every child could not miss to play there.

“We cannot forget our child hood days,” said Kannan, “when we see these young fellows playing the cock fight game with those flower seeds. In the kindergarten stage I too enjoyed to play these games with my fellows whether I won or lost. There is sheer innocence in it. But I have seen the grown up boys do cock fights in life not out of sheer innocence but out of sure cunningness though there are so many good games to play to bring honour to themselves and the society. At least after seeing these kids they can reform themselves. That is why it is said that the child is the father of man. See how innocent, jolly and happy they are!”

“True Kannan,” said Balu, “what you say is quite true. I am also thinking of getting married soon and lead a wedded life. With one or two children I can live a happy family life. My relatives’ gossips can be stopped. Our family matters can be very well managed by me. There will be one soul to listen to my words. At least for the last thing, I am in need of a wife by my side. What do you think of marriage? What is your opinion about my getting married to pacify my father and other relatives?”

“I don’t deny that you should not get married soon. You have to do it one day or other to set right your family troubles. But you have to look before you leap. You say you have to prepare yourself much. This you have to do now and first. After that you must no doubt get married. If you get married first and wish to develop yourself, you won’t find time, I feel. You will be minding your family problems rather than devoting yourself to your ambition of coming up in life.

As far as my opinion regarding marriage is concerned is this. I don’t give much importance to marriage. I know what it is. It is a matter of a big waste-paper basket. It is a battle of make-belief and nothing else. So, it is better to solve your priorities first and then think of marriage. That is what I can say about it. But what makes you think of marriage so soon, man?”

Balu wanted to say something, but he stopped and started observing the finely grown grass near them. He plucked a few blades of grass, dissected them into many pieces and threw them in the air. He seemed to have overcome the interruption of his own sentimental thoughts.

“To put it plain,” said Balu, “I am also a sentimentalist; I am the youngest person in my relatives’ circles and in my family. It has become my obligation to listen and obey to their words. I have to spend all of my time to our household activities. I don’t get free time to think or to speak out what I feel to anybody else or do what I wish. It is sickening my healthy out look of life.

I don’t wish to remain to be a slavish person. I feel it is against my nature. I feel if I get married my wife can look after such things and I can mind my matters in my own way. Due to the uncongenial atmosphere at home I like to be in the circle of my friends and I get great relief in this way. But what you are suggesting is having valid reasons. I will say about what I am going to do next, when we two get together with our friends in the due course of time.”

“So, it has become a necessity that we have to think about what our way of life is,” said Kannan.

“Let us try to find a solution while we are discussing about this important issue in the coming Halo meeting itself. More or less our problems are similar. Let us see what we can do.”

“There you are! This is what I was about to say. But our talk has turned to other matters and we have landed on a remote place. Now we have again come back to square one thanks to your present question. You see the proprietor of THE TREASURE magazine very much recommended me to think about joining the penmanship. Before he took leave of me, he firmly insisted me to write him at the earliest my willingness to join in this ever lasting field. I thought well for about three days and wrote him about my willingness by suggesting him to open up a page or a column for freelance writing suitable to persons of my type in his magazine.

I received an immediate reply letter from him there itself. I was informed that my suggestion was a bold and new idea. I was advised to mention the date when I would be returning back here so that a favourable response could be made to me within the course of a fortnight. Before I came here I sent him another letter in this regard. I am sure there will be a good response from that gentleman in the course of next week. In the meantime, I have got nothing to do but to spend my time in some useful way with my friends. That will be my immediate action and that is what I am going to do next.”

“All right. What will happen to your business here?”

“Nothing will happen to it for a few years. It will go on as it is now. My father had done something good or bad whatever he could and had gone away. I have brought about profitable changes, regularised the fast moving items and finished all the works to make our business run on an even track. So, I am going to take French leave.

They cannot say even a word knowing my family position now. If anything goes wrong after a few years, I know what I have to do and they will approach me automatically. But I am also afraid of the things that are going to happen to me because I don’t know what exactly I shall be doing in the future. Now I need time. A change of work. Do you understand?”

“Okay. You have decided to go to the writing profession from your business. Would it be possible for you to stand and do something worthwhile in this new field?”

“I don’t know what makes you to ask me like this. There is nothing sure in both the fields. Everything depends upon the strenuous efforts we take I believe. There is no point in depending only one thing. If it is so, there is no possibility for a change in life. There should be a variety of interests in the work we do. Then only the monotony can be eliminated. It is a boon I have you as my friend along with Gopal and Vaithianathan. Because of your congenial nature and encouraging cooperation I don’t bother about anyone and anything in this world.

With your support I can create a new world if I think. I give a high value to our friendship and before it everything is nothing to me. In your company I can face the storm without any sense of bewilderment. You know my dreams, interests and happiness are shattered. Now only I have got a chance to rehabilitate my shattered mind. The writing profession is a new field to me; yet I don’t know how I have confidence in it and why I am not afraid of it.

Now I remember a very encouraging statement I came across very often in my college days. It says that ‘the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton.’ The battle of Waterloo is the problem of life and the professional difficulties. For me THE HALO is the Eton. The playing fields are the beach, the park, etc. where we exchange our knowledge, discuss upon new ideas and the things we write in our letters, wherever we are in our country. It is here I am going to practise my art. It is the testing ground where I first test the full capacity of my talent before I put it to use in my new profession. I can be successful in this field, if I once see how the things are going on in a magazine publishing house. Now do you still say that I am incapable of doing what I have been saying so long?”

“Kannan I never say that you cannot do what you say. You are not like other ordinary persons who are like the bits of papers drifting in the wind in any direction. You have a firm mind in achieving your goal. You have the proper confidence, courage and perseverance. What I mean to say is that wiser action is better than hasty one. You take your own time and achieve your goal. You are already known in the society as a good business man. Your words will be judged by your deeds. Your personality is staked there. If there is a favourable response from the proprietor of THE TREASURE, it is well and good. But if a contrary thing happens, what will happen to your goal? You have to be careful, you see.”

“I am neither a God nor a stone. I am also a human being. I don’t deny that I don’t have any weaknesses or draw backs. There may be. I want to be out i.e. away form the usual work a day life. This writing profession gives me an opportunity to do so. Making use of this opportunity I can learn the techniques of a new profession in a direct close encounter. That advantage I have now in my hand. It will naturally give a fillip to my action and a new vigour to my exhausted spirit.”

Kannan looked at his watch, got up from the grass, looked around the place in a contemplative mood and moved away from the park with a fast pace, when Balu also joined him. He again started talking on the same note with Balu.

“I believe I will receive a favourable call from Madras next week. Otherwise I may have to settle my scores with my relatives. Then mentally I shall be in a confused state. Against my will somehow I may have to pull on my days. I have to over come my special dilemma –whether to continue my work in business as usual or to go ahead as a freelance writer to my mental satisfaction and whether to live a wedded life again or to remain a bachelor again forever.

Already I am in hot waters. Before it gets hotter I wish to be out of it. I don’t know how I am going to settle the matter. I don’t know how I am going to get away from the strange mess I have fallen in. Is it called fate? What mistakes have I done? I am very much perturbed. My house has come, Balu. Let me part with you now and meet you again in the evening.”

“See you then Kannan. It is after all an imaginary confusion. Everything will become all right after sometime. Take good rest. Bye then.”

“Bye Balu!” said Kannan, entered the house and closed the door behind him.

TO BE CONTINUED

Halo Dreams - IV