Eve Teasers Combine

Ramendra Kumar (India, 20/08/06)

 

Booby  Bhatia,  the bindaas beauty of Boob  Tube  flashed  a sponsored smile and declared, "Welcome guys, gays and gals to the 1000th episode of  Planchet Booby, your favourite show. Get ready for 22 exciting, throbbing, pulsating,   and rapturous minutes of sheer,  unadulterated  infotainment. I have with me  a  gorgeous, young  punk who is a pioneer of sorts. Generations to  come  will remember  him  for bestowing respectability and  dignity   to  an avocation that has always been treated with contempt. I bring  to you the one and only Pappi Bottom Pinchkar the President Emeritus of  ETC - Eve Teasers Combine. Pappi tell me how did you get  the idea of forming ETC?"

"Hey  Booby, maan you're looking real sexy. Its  babes  like you who provide sustenance to ETC. Now,  coming to your question, I got this idea last year while travelling in a DTC bus. I saw  a rather smart looking fellow standing behind a real groovy  chick. She  was  clad in a tight T - shirt and tighter  jeans.  How  she managed  to get into those jeans will always remain a mystery  to me  and  this enigama will probably haunt me  even  after  death. Anyway,  her derriere looked really inviting as if begging to  be pinched.  No self respecting sapien who is not a homo could  have resisted  such  temptation. I saw this guy sweating  it  out.  He seemed  to be in a Hamletian state of the mind, pondering on  the sexistential dilemma - 'To tweak or not to tweak'. After sweating it  out for a good ten minutes he could resist no more. His  fingers twitched and moved. There was a howl followed by a yelp. The former was executed by the wearer of the jeans and the latter  by the  owner of the hand. Eve, on being pinched, had turned  around and slapped Adam. The fellow travellers, instead of  sympathising with Adam, had started bashing  him up. As the last of the  blows fell  on  poor Adam's back, I had an inspiration. An  idea  whose time  had surely come was born. I decided the Eve Teasers of  the world had to unite, they had nothing to lose but their pains."

          "What are the aims and objectives of your organisation?"

          "We  want to instill in the public at large a   healthy  respect for our community.  We want to propagate that if  prostitution is the world's oldest  vocation than surely Eve Teasing  is our  civilization's oldest avocation. Our culture too is  replete with examples of Eve Teasers who have brought honour and glory to the fair sport of Eve Teasing."

          "Really Pappi, I didn't know that."

          "Of  course  you wouldn't know. If I too  had  a  delectable figure  like yours I wouldn't have bothered about  anything  else except  making it even more delectable. Anyway, let me  enlighten you  about  our  glorious heritage. The greatest Eve  Teaser  the world has ever seen was a 'Bharat wasi'."

          "Who? Charles Sobhraj?"

          "No  silly,  Lord Krishna. He is truly the  numero  uno.  He   used  to freak out with thousands of Gopis literally making  them dance  to  his tunes. Breaking their pots, twisting their arms, hiding their clothes and indulging in raas lila at the drop of a hat or rather a tune of a bansuri the Maakhan Chor      has  been the  ultimate  bench  mark  for every Eve Teaser down the ages.  Even our modern Eve Teasers have helluva  lot to learn from him?"

          "Tell me Pappi what are the activities of ETC?"

          "We  regularly organise seminars and conferences devoted  to the  history,  vision  and mission of Eve  Teasing.  Our  members present papers, discuss case studies and interact on the  various nuances of our collective passion. In our training programmes  we invite  experts  to  impart training on   state of  the  art  Eve  Teasing.  Booby, you will be glad to know that over the last  few months  our organisation has grown form strength to strength.  At present ETC has 93 Chapters in our country and 28 abroad. We even have  cultural exchange programmes where we sponsor  our  budding Eve  Teasers  to  other countries and play  host  to  teams  from abroad."

          "Tell  me Pappi, how do we score in Eve Teasing as  compared to the rest of the world?"

          "Booby dear, you will be delighted to learn that we are head and shoulders above many other nations. If there is an Eve  Teasing Olympic we will surely bag much more than a bronze medal."

          "How do you distinguish Eve Teasing from other forms of self expression like 'outraging the modesty of a woman'."

          " Booby da'ling, Eve Teasing, like beauty, lies in the eye  of the beholder. What to you is 'outraging....etc' may be merely Eve Teasing  to  some  one else. But frankly one has o  look  at  the motive  behind the act. We Eve Teasers are all basically in  love with  women.  By  teasing them we are paying  tributes  to  their existence. Just imagine if you walk out of your house in a  brand new outfit looking sexy and svelte and if no one ogles at you, no one  whistles, no one even passes  a couple of smart  aleck  comments, how would you feel? Wouldn't you be terribly disappointed? Wouldn't you feel your beauty, your effort has all gone to  dogs? I am sure you would lose confidence in yourself and probably turn into  an  emotional wreck. Booby, without our tribe  life  itself would lose its meaning to a woman. She  would find existence dull and  dreadful, boring and beastly. I feel we are doing a kind  of social  service. We are providing half the human population  with emotional  succour. Another remarkable fact about  our  organisation is its democratic nature."

          "Democratic nature? I couldn't quite follow?"

          "It is elementary my dear Booby. We make no  discrimination. Whether a woman is sixteen or sixty, fat or thin, black or white, beautiful  or ugly we tease without any prejudice. Then again  we believe  in the ideal of Vasudhev Kutumbakam - the world  is  one family and the concept of Universal sisterhood."

          "What do you mean. Will you treat me like your sister?"

          "No  silly.   Universal  Sisterhood means  that  to  an  Eve Teaser every woman is someone else's sister. Like you, to me,  would be my Brother in law's  i.e. 'Sala's' sister."

          "That   would  make  me...your...wif....Wait   you   naughty rascal..."  yelled Booby giving him a good natured punch.

“Pappi, one last and final question. What is your message?

“I have a simple message  to the Eve Teasers of the world. The message is in the form of  free verse inspired by John Wesley:

          “Tease all the Eves you can,

          In all the ways you can,

          At all the times you can,

          As long as ever you can.”

                                                           

  "Jokes apart, Pappi I heard you are organising a big bash this weekend."

          "Yes, the apex committee of ETC is throwing a grand party in honour of the greatest Eve Teaser of this decade."

          "Who? Mike Tyson?"

          "No, ofcourse not. Don't equate  that monster with us.  That man  is a rapist. I am talking about Kay Pee Ass Pill, the  super cop of Surd Nagar. He has done more to uphold the dignity of  Eve Teasers than any only else since Lord Krishna. 'One small slap on  Rue Pain Bajaj's behind was a giant boost for Eve Teasers combine'. You know  Booby, when some silly scribe asked Pill about  his  'frivolous' behavior he proudly said it was the influence of metaphysical  poets  which is also found in the lives of  great  religious leaders. Just imagine sweety pie raising Eve Teasing to the  sublime level of poetry. I  can't find a more eloquent testimony  to the  art and science of Eve Teasing than this. ETC has decided to present  him the 'Eve Teaser of the decade award'.  We  are  also instituting  a special award in his name called the 'Pill  Bottom Slappers Award' which will be given every year to the most  innovative derriere pat-ter.'"

          "That's great news, Pappi. And now I have a special surprise for you. We have organised a debate on the ethics and morality of Eve Teasing. Your adversary, who has just arrived in the studios, is the President of ABCL."

          "What? You have invited the Big B."

          "No.  I have invited the President of Adam Baiters  Corporation Limited?"

          "Who's that?"

          "She is Rue Pain Devi  Bajaj."

          Pappi  jumped up screaming, "No...no please not she..."   As he  turned around he collided with an imperious looking lady  who swung her handbag sending Pappi flying. The screen went blank and a few seconds later the following legend appeared on the  screen, "YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT A BAJAJ."