Of Scams and Scamsters

Ramendra Kumar (India, 08/10/06)

"Yes,  Mr. Tapori I was. But since you were so  insistent  I agreed to see you for a few minutes. Frankly I still can't  quite place you," Arun Show Wry, the doyen of investigative  journalism in  Bharat replied looking with rather ill concealed distaste  at the short,  fat and prosperous looking man sitting opposite him.

"Well Arunji I started my life selling peanuts on the  pavements and by sheer dint of dedication, determination and desperation rose to become the uncrowned monarch of 'bhajiwalas'."

"Are   you   the   president  of   the   Vegetable   Vendors Association?"

"Ofcourse  not. I am the bhaji king. I  purchase  vegetables from  the farmers and sell them to the consumers after  packaging and  branding them. My head office is here in Amchi Mumbai and  I have branches all over the country. Surely you must have heard of 'Climax  Kaddu', 'Karamati Karela', 'Astonishing Aalu',  'Titanic Tamatar',  'Baigyanik  Baingan', 'Bindaas Bhindi'  etc  etc.  All these  brands are from the house of Tapori - the 'Betaaj  Badshah of Bhajiwalas'. "

"Very interesting Mr. Bhaji..sorry Mr.Tapori. But now  since I am equipped with enough information to write your biography can  you tell me what you want from me?"

"Yes,  yes I was just coming to that. My son is  creating  a problem?"

"Come  on Mr.Tapori. If your son is creating a problem  what am I supposed to do? I am neither  a pediatrician nor a nanny."

"Easy Arunji. That is the problem with you journalists.  You have no patience. You are always running after some line - either a byline or a dead line. Anyway, as I was telling you my  problem is  my  son.  He is studying in class nine in   the  best  public school of the    city.  His friends' fathers are all big shots  - bureaucrats, industrialists, filmstars, ministers etc. Now  naturally he is ashamed of me or rather my profession. He even  hates his  name - Puran Chand Churan Mal Tapori and calls himself   Pee Cee.  Well to make Pee Cee happy I want to diversify into a  profession  which is much more respectable."

"So  what  will  you do? Instead of  peddling  bhaji  you'll peddle dry fruits?"

"No, no, Arunji I have decided I'll launch a newspaper?'

"What?  Are you crazy? You no nothing about  the  publishing business  and  you want to straightaway launch a daily  which  is about the most  difficult thing to do?"

"I know my limitations? That is why I have come to you.  You  were  at one time the most revered and  feared journalist in  the entire  country. Though your writing might have lost some of  its sting  I am sure given the right opportunity you will once  again  create the same magic."

"Taporiji...I  hope I can call you  that....Taporiji...I  am surprised  that you have such an indepth knowledge of  the  milestones of journalism. You are quite right. In the last decade  or so  I have been concentrating on more serious stuff like  writing tomes on various aspects of policy and polity. But now I want  to get back into the action filled world of the daily newspaper. But I must warn you I brook no interference from anyone not even  the publisher."

"Yes  ofcourse. I'll give you complete freedom. I have  only one  condition. Every issue of our newspaper should  carry  below the name the legend - 'Published by Churan Mal Tapori and one and only son Pee Cee."

Show  Wry  hesitated for   a moment and  then  said,  "Okay, Taporijee,  that should not be a problem. Now I think  we  should part  and meet after a week. By then I'll have a strategy  worked out to launch our newspaper."

     *                       *                       *

A week later  Show Wry entered  Tapori's room on the  nineteenth floor of the impressive  Tapori towers. He was followed by a young lady clad in a tight fitting jeans and a tighter  fitting T-shirt.

"Taporiji  this is my assistant Miss Sweety Chopra. You  can call her Sweetyji."

They shook hands and the meeting began.

"First  of  all Sweetyji will present the  findings  of  the exploratory study which she conducted  on our proposed project."

Sweety  got up and began speaking," Taporijee as far as  the print  media is concerned this is the age of  specialisation.  We have  magazines on different subjects ranging from computers   to cats, from furniture to fibreoptics, from sex to semantics and G- strings to gerontology. In the field of newspapers too this trend is  catching on. In today's increasingly competitive world if  we want to survive then niche marketing is the only choice. That  is why we have to select a suitable category, subject or slot  which will be the focus of our newspaper."

"I  think that is a great idea. Let our newspaper  focus  on vegetables. We can call it Bhaji Bulletin. That way I too will be able to contribute an editorial every day devoted to the  various aspects of bhaji growing, packaging and branding."

"Don't be silly Taporijee. Who will buy a newspaper  devoted to bhindis, karelas, baingans and manure. Now please allow  Sweetyji to continue."

"As  I  was saying Taporijee we have to look for  a  subject which  is new and untapped, yet one which is of current  interest  and will continue to remain a hot favourite."

"The only topic I can think of us sex. There is not a single newspaper  devoted  to sex. It is of current  interest  and  will continue  to hold the interest  of humanity till the very end  of civilisation. We can call the newspaper Indian Sexpress and  have a  front  page editorial alternately by Shobha Day  and  Dukhwant Singh. All the condom manufacturers can be roped in to  advertise in the newspaper."

"Brilliant Taporijee. I think you are thinking on the  right lines.Except that a paper devoted to sex will never see the light of  the day in the land of the Kamasutra. Instead we can  have  a paper devoted another aspect of life which is as common as  sex," declared Arun Show Wry.

"What's  that  - poverty, pollution  or  population?"  asked Tapori.

"No,  it is a four letter word beginning with 'S' which  has become a part and parcel of our national psyche."

"I  got it. Its sexy  as in 'Mery Pant bhi sexy, meri  shirt bhi  sexy,  meri bhaji bhi sexy' and 'Sexy, sexy  sexy  muje  log boolen...,"  Tapori got up and started wriggling  to the tune  of his tuneless song.

"No, no Taporijee. The word is Scam. This is one word  which has  redefined the art and craft of politics in the  country.  It has  left no one untouched. Saree, Dhoti, Urea, Land, TV,  Wheat, Rice  -  these are seemingly innocuous words. Now  just  add  the suffix scam and see what happens. It opens up a Pandora's box  of corruption,  wheeling dealing, theft, bribery and what have  you. Tapori Jee our newspaper will be called 'Scam Times' and will  be devoted to the exclusive coverage of Scams."

"Great. Your idea is even more delicious than a red and ripe tomato, but Sweetyji and Arunji can you fill the pages of a daily newspaper  with the news related only to scams."

"Ofcourse. We have already decided on the layout. The  first page will be feature   national and international scams. Page two and  three  will have political scams  while page four  and  five will  have financial scams. Page six will be related to scams  in the area of sports and glamour," explained Arun Show Wry.

"But will you get enough sports and glamour scams to fill  a page?" Tapori wondered.

"But ofcourse. The peccadilloes of heroes, heroines,  directors,  choreographers, spot boys et al can be featured  on  these pages.  Then we have honourable sportspersons like Tike Myson,  I am Botham, Elan Lamby and our very own Agaruddin and Ravi Sexthri who  will  provide enough news to meet our needs,"  Sweetyji  declared.

"To  continue with the layout page seven will be devoted  to history. It will called 'Memories of another day/night' and  will feature  scams down the ages. We can start with the  'Lakshagrah' episode  in the Mahabharata. After all it can be  considered  the nani of all political scams."

"We  can  also start a serial 'Sex scam down the  ages'  and begin with  'Draupadi Vastraharan' episode ," chipped in Tapori

"That's  simply brilliant Taporiji. I must say you have  all the  makings  of an avant garde publisher, with  your  insightful understanding of the  media,"  gushed Sweetyji.

"Page eight will be devoted to 'Leisure and Lifestyle'. This page  will carry a comic strip based on a new character   Arun  - the  Scam  Buster'. This strip, which has been created  by  yours truly, will chronicle the adventures of Arun as he single handedly goes about cleansing the entire system," Show Wry declared and bowed as Tapori and Sweetyji applauded.

"This  page will also feature a Scam count down. There  will be two  categories - international and national. The scams around the world will be analysed and included in this countdown.  Every month the person whose name figures in the maximum scams will  be crowned  the  Scamster of the month. He will be awarded the  life subscription of 'Scam Times' free of cost and his interview  will be  published  as a box item on the front page.  Each  month  our readers will be invited to name their choice of the 'Scamster  of the  Month'.  The winner will get the opportunity of  sharing  an exclusive dinner with his choice  as well as an autographed  copy

of  the 'Scam Times' carrying the Scamster of the Month's  interview."  

"But  Arunjee don't you think the person who  qualifies  for the Scamster of the month title will be behind bars?"

"No,  no Taporiji. A Scamster of such stature will never  be in  the lock up. Jails are for lesser individuals, for  scamsters of lower pedigree."

"What else will the paper feature?"

"On  page eight itself we will have a section  called  'Scam Word'  in  which the latest word in the scam jargon will  be  described.  We  will also include a 'Scam Quiz' where  our  readers will  be quizzed on scams past and present. Here  too there  will be attractive prizes for which we can invite sponsors."

"Very good, Arunji and Sweetyji. I am very happy with   your planning. Now let's start the preparations for launching -  'Scam Times'.

              *                       *             *

Three  months later the first issue of 'Scam Times' hit  the stands all over the country. Alas it was also the last issue.  On the  front  page it carried a profile of the   'Scamster  of  the Year' - the first, last and only nomination of its kind ever made in Bharat. P.K.Kachori the Chairman Cum Managing Director of Aloo Tamatar  Syndicate  (ALS)  had been awarded the  title.  ALS  had bagged  the  Government tender for supplying 10 kg  of  Aloo  and Tamatar to all the slum dwellers in Amchi Mumbai, everyday for  a period  of one year. ALS had taken advance payment and duly  completed the order. There had been only one minor deviation. In the clause -'supply of 10 kg of Aloo and Tamatar, Kachori had  erased 'K'  and  dutifully supplied 10 g of the vegetables to  the  slum dwellers.  This minor aberration had made Kachori rich by a   few hundred lakhs.

Arun Show Wry, the messiah of middle class morons had  stumbled on this scam while working on a scoop for 'Scam Times'. Only a  day before the issue was to hit the stands Show  Wry  realised that  Kachori was one of the many aliases of P.M.Tapori  and  ALS just  one  among  his numerous concerns. Now Show Wry  was  in  a terrible  dilemma - the kind which would have the 'serial'  writers  in the throes of cerebral ecstacy. On one side was duty  and on the other booty.(Show Wry had been offered twenty lakhs  lakhs and life time editorship of Scam Times by Tapori to keep his trap shut). Ultimately duty triumphed over booty and the rest as  they say  is history. Tapori landed in  jail and 'Scam  Times'  folded up.

However,  Show  Wry  being Show Wry  managed  to  turn  this 'calamity' into a glorious opportunity. He went into  hibernation with Sweetyji and emerged six years later with his magnum of  all opuses  -  'Lies,  lies and even more lies -  a  brutally  honest critique of middle class morality and urban angst' - by Arun Show Wry  with  footnotes  by  Sweetyji.

The  book went into second reprint the same day it  was  released.  Later that year it bagged the Pull-it-Sir Prize.  It  is now  being  made into a Hindi film with Grow Winda as  Show  Wry, Crazy ma Capoor as Sweetyji and Anu Bum Kheer as Tapori.   

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