Mohabbat Party

Ramendra Kumar (India, 02/07/06)

 

          Javed Joke-Free, the Pasha of Pun was interviewing Madari Fixit. She had not yet become Mrs. Ne Ne and was still the reigning Fairy of Follywood. The interview was for Timex Satyanash, the most popular programme on Channel Why. 

          "Well,  viewers, you are really lucky to have Madari and  me together  on your favourite show. My first question to Madari  is sponsored  by Ecstacy Jhadu. Mad,  there is a very strong  rumour that you are  launching a new party called the 'Mohabbat  Party'? Can you tell us who will be its members?"

          "JJ,  yaar, anyone who is obsessed with  'Mohabbat'  Ishque, Love... can be its member. For instance Mohammad Agaruddin qualifies  automatically. He has married  Melody  Bizlani, braving opposition from all quarters. Ram Gopal Worma, the director  of the smash hit Nangila will be the Vice-President  of  our party?"

          "Why? What's so special about him?"

          "His  love, his obsession for Urmail Kapde-utarkar is  truly admirable. Moreover if he could make an emaciated looking  nobody into  Bharat's  leading sex symbol just imagine what  wonders  he could  do  with me. Once he joins my party I'll persuade  him  to direct  a  film for me. And on the strength of that  single  film I'll rule Follywood for eternity."

          "Who  else will be there in your party?" Jokefree asked  and turning  to  the  viewer's said, "This part of  Mad's  answer  is sponsored by 'Climax Bidi', 'Adbhut Aloo' and 'Naughty Nada'."

          "My  most famous admirer,  Mac Bull Fida, will be the Advisor  'Gimmicks and  Stunts' and   T.N.Tension,  the ex-Chief  Election Executioner, will be the unofficial  Public  Relations Consultant. "

          "Tension? But he and love are poles apart?"

          "Don't be silly. He has been having an uninterrupted  affair with himself for so long. He is our most popular narcissist.  How can we ignore him?"

          "What will be the symbol of your party? By the way  viewer's, this   question was sponsored by 'Bemisaal  Bhelpuri',  'Panther' Panties and 'Lajja' condoms."

          "Choli. Half the population comprises women who will be able to immediately identify with our symbol. The other half comprises men who will run around wondering  'Choli ke peechey kya hai' and end up voting for us." 

          "What about your manifesto?"

          "I don't believe in all that humbug. Instead I have drawn up an action plan. After I win the elections I'll abolish entertainment  tax totally. I'll make movies completely accessible to  the common  man.  I'll make sure the movies are packed with  sex  and violence."

          "But  Mad  surely this will destroy the  moral  and  ethical fabric..."

          "Don't  talk  like Manoj Kumar or a Shove Sena activist.  In  Scandinavian  countries where there is no censorship do you think there is tidal wave  of rapes.  No.  In fact the incidence of rape and  violence  against women  is much less there then it is in our country. Why?  Simply because  the  more  you bottle up things the worse  it  gets.  We should let it all hang out. Show everything on the screen.  Leave nothing to the imagination. People will get so bored, so used  to such  things that they will have no interest in committing  these acts.    Moreover, the scenes of sex and violence on  screen  will have a cathartic affect on the audience and cleanse their minds, hearts and souls."

          "My   God,   Mad.  I  didn't'  know  you   were   a   closet psychiatrist."

          "No  nothing  of that sort. The famous  sexologist  Prakash Quote Hari has become my fan. He has discovered seventeen  aphrodisiacs  which he is naming after me. During our chats I  managed  to pick up a little bit of funda from him."

          "But Mad, now the films with an overdose of sex and violence are passe. Your films will start flopping?"

          "Who  says my films will have S & V? No chance.  While  I'll make it compulsory for all films to stick to the S & V formula my films  will  be squeaky clean on the lines of  'Hum  Baapke Hain Kaun', ‘Hum Aath Aath Hain’. This way my films will continue raking in the moola,  even if other films flop."

          "What will be your election strategy?"

          "My  strategy  will be a simple one. We  in  Follywood  have helluva  lot of money. Most of this we hide inside washing  closets,  airconditioners,  mattresses or spend on state of  the  art bathrooms  or  swimming pools. When the election fever  picks  up I'll request my colleagues to retrieve the moola and spend it  on buying  votes.  Each  vote will have a price. The  rate  will  be directly  proportional  to the importance  of  the  constituency, frailty of the candidate and the keenness of the contest."

          "B..But Mad surely this is blatant corruption."

          "Don't  be absurd.   In  today’s Bharat,  corruption has taken on  a new meaning. You are corrupt only if you're caught. Moreover,  we will not be doing anything underhand. We will be very transparent?  Like you go and purchase a cake of soap we  will be  going out and purchasing votes. What can be more  open,  more  ingenuous  than this?"

          "  F..Fantastic. Mad you are a genius. And now,   the  final query  to  you  Madari, sponsored by  'Makhichoos  Credit  Card', 'Hawaian  Haldi' and 'Sexy Shoelaces' - 'What is your message  to the viewers?"

          Madari  got up and shrugged off the capelike  outfit  which she was sporting to reveal a teeny weeny, itsy bitsy, yellow polka dot bikini. She began indulging in calisthenics and singing -

          "Bharat ke voter , tum dekhlao na uun tewar,

           Note le lo, vote de do

           Note le lo, vote de do....."